Sunday, 20 May 2012

Utter Wank


There’s a pub in Chorlton called The Royal Oak, and it has a condom machine which sells something called:

‘THE SEDUCTION KIT’

The contents of which are as follows:

  • Flavoured condoms
  • Erection tablets
  • Lube

Now, I’m no smooth customer when it comes to the art of seduction, but I’m pretty sure that you can’t use lube possession as a chat up line:

“Hey babe, feeling moist? Because if not, I can help you out with that.”

“Oh really? Wow, go on then, just squirt some on and go nuts.”

I mentioned it to friends, and they suggested some places where lube may work as a tool of proposition:

  • A gay club
  • An old folks home
  • A burns unit


To be fair though, in all of those places, lube is more of a pre-requisite than an incentive.


 Click pictures to enlarge
If you're not English, 'Smarties' are a type of chocolate sweet and one of Nestle's less evil products, albeit still jam-packed with sweet, chocolatey malevolence.


I was talking to my friend about this, just before I went to the doctors' office to have the item extracted. While there, I spotted a box labeled:

‘Free Men’s Safer Gay Sex Packs’

Now, what really interested me about this was one word:

‘SAFER’

And it interested me because it wasn’t:

‘SAFE’

“I must collect one of these packets to investigate,” I told myself.

But there were some boys in there, giggling at a gay magazine, and I thought, “Oh, but what if they think I’m gay?”

“But it’s okay to be gay, isn’t it?”

Yes, well I remembered that, and I thought, “who are they to look down on me and the sexual preferences they assume I have based on the free products that I procure for myself?”

So, feeling annoyed by the prejudice that I’d totally imagined them to have, I swaggered over to the packs, picked one up, had a bit of a read of it, and then strolled out of the doctor’s office.

“Like the proud gay man you were pretending to be.”

Exactly.


Anyway, I deduced that the packs were ‘safer’ because they contained extra-fine condoms, i.e. ones that stand more of a chance of tearing. So essentially, these packs are aimed at people who are worried about HIV, but not that worried.

And the worst thing about this is that you know that we are all actually capable of such culpable stupidity. How many of us can truly say that we’ve never:

  • Done strange sex without a condom
  • Snorted powder that you found in a bag under the assumption that it’s probably drugs
  • Conversed with a French person
  • Masturbated whilst driving, because it’s dark and you're bored of bloody motorways already
  • Swam in an outdoor pool at Butlins Pwhelli
  • Left your bike helmet at home because you’re too drunk to feel anything anyway
  • Eaten improperly prepared bird because you can’t be bothered cooking again
  • Kept your Facebook profile open on the off chance that someone finds you stalkable, because any attention will do


Yeah, so we all do stupid things, and obviously we’re going to jump at a chance at achieving the balance between stupidity and common sense.

Doing the stupid thing is reassuring, because it’s what we know, and it gives us something to worry about other than the unfathomable fuckery of being.

However, acting sensibly is freaky, because it makes us realise one thing:

‘I AM GROWING UP’

And yeah, you know, fuck that. Because you know who else was a grownup? Pretty much every dead person ever.

I would try these condoms out to let you know what it’s like to straddle the tightrope between life and death, but no one wants to have sex with me at the moment.

“Aww.”

I know, yeah.

“Why don’t you just have a posh wank, and then let people know how that went?”

Err… seems like that would be a little creepy.

“There are blogs run by girls reviewing dildos and stuff, is it really that different?”

Yes. Yes, I think so.

But, if that is something that people want… you should probably ask yourself some serious questions. But, I’ll do it, I suppose. Although I won’t feel good about it.

Anyway, here's a picture of Stalin in an arse kicking competition with the lead-footed man-porcupine:


  TRANSLATION: "Stalin does not play by the rules."

11 comments:

  1. I am learning so much from you. I almost feel I should be paying you, but I won't because you're doing this out the kindness of your own heart, and I don't have a heart, so there you go, but I don't know where 'there' is. I'll tell you one thing free of charge: I would totally, or at least partially, screw someone that showed me a tube of lube. A lube tube. Can you imagine what fun it would be to squirt it on the floor and slide the night away. Who needs to wait for ice to form in the winter? Not a man with a tube of lube.

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    Replies
    1. Imagine how easily you could slide down a banister if you were all lubed up! I think they are really missing out on some big potential markets by only advertising lube as a sex aid

      Delete
  2. Wait a second, boner pills are so ubiquitous they sell them in vending machines as part of a value pack?
    And in the "safer" sex pack, was there nothing there to sterilize a sounding rod? (If you don't know what sounding is, grab a fork, head to Google, search "sounding sex act" and then use the fork to gauge out your eyes.)
    Damn right Stalin doesn't play by the rules. Which is an awesome sign-off phrase regardless of subject matter.

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    Replies
    1. Oh god, I could only find a plastic fork, will someone please come round with a real one to finish this for me?

      Delete
  3. "So essentially, these packs are aimed at people who are worried about HIV, but not that worried."

    Classic.

    You know who's even less worried about HIV? People who uses lamb skin condoms. They're so not worried about HIV that they willingly use the skin of a dead animal to guard against disease. That just sounds like more disease waiting to happen, in my opinion...

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    Replies
    1. Ha ha! I didn't even know such a thing existed! Can pescetarians get ones made out of trout or something? Or possibly just use a whole eel?

      Delete
  4. You know what? You're actually very inspiring. :) When my hangover lets me think more coherently I am going to share a few thoughts/experiences about dildos...

    Btw, you ruined that Asian guy for me with your comment about Jedward hahaha. Now all I can think about when I see his photos are these annoying, almost surreal twins. haha. Why do I even know they exist in the first place?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha, Jedward are funny because they are almost certainly actually below the IQ level of non-retarded people.


      There's a girl on that 20sb website that reviews dildos, I saw her picture and she's dead sweet looking so I thought she'd be talking about rainbows and unicorns but no! I don't follow it as I thought doing so would make me look creepy!

      Delete
    2. ranibows and unicorns are no longer enough even for pre-teens. they only exist in hipster memes :) so, yeah, my hangover is over but now I'm too drunk to write not just about dildos but about simply anything...

      and funny thing I've never heard any interview with Jedward (thanks God), nor a song (ok, I've heard, like 20 sec of, as far as I remember, a cover of "you gotta fight for your right to parrteeeey"...or maybe it was something else. But equally old and uncover-able...), I only heard a snippet of something on BBCradio and, God, they got the most irritating voices everrrr

      Delete
    3. I watched a lot of TV last year and they get them on panel shows all the time because comedians have a field day with them

      I've been away from writing for a strange few days. Now I'm catching up. I wouldn't have been able to write about sex toys either

      Delete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete