Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Good, Dumbass!

When you have a blog, you have access to a page of stats. Usually you look at this in order to give yourself reason to think,

"Why don't more people like me?"

but recently I have also noticed that it has a list of Google searches which have directed people to me.

Many of these are hilarious.

And the fact that I am finding out about them means that this blog is now a perpetual nonsense machine.

ANYWAY!
Here are my favourites.

bow ties good or bad



my puss

Phrasing. 

Strange phrasing. 

Was this person actually expecting pictures of their vagina/cat to come up as a result of this? Google doesn't know who you are, idiot, you need to give some more information!

Maybe their puss was actually on my blog though? As far as I can remember, the only vagina I've drawn on here was that of a German pig. Is this proof that continental livestock are using the internet to research their own genitals?

Yes.

Yes it is. 



the reason people click like in facebook

Three reasons:

  1. Because they like the thing which they are clicking 'like' to
  2. Because one of their whiny friends has said something particularly mopey, and they want to make them feel worse about themselves (as well they should)
  3. Because they fancy the person, and it's like the cyber equivalent of pulling their hair 


breat inflation water

Really?



men on men


Sounds like my kind of porn. 

None of this two fellers arsing about palaver, I wanna see one gang of guys smashing in another gang of guys, like a game of paint-ball with infective camouflage and a monochrome paint scheme.


manhourse blog


I was confused by this at first.

Where they trying to type:

  1. man-hours, or
  2. man horse
Then I remembered what a hotbed the internet was for bad spelling and sexual deviance, and worked out that what they were actually trying to type was:

MAN WHORES



fuck my shitter


She probably just backed straight out of my blog. Which is a shame, as that is totally a service I would have provided.

"You assume it was a she?"

Oh no, you're right! 

It could have been a man!

But I imagined it!

I IMAGINED IT!!! 



virus that make you stronger

I don't know if there's a virus that would make you stronger personally, unknown Google user, but I'm pretty sure that if you were to catch a fatal cocktail of AIDS, hepatitis, and ebola, that would certainly make the species stronger overall.

"You know that finding clever ways to call stupid people stupid doesn't work. It's like buttering toast with a knife made out of jam."

I don't get it.

"Exactly."



trench coat wank


Wanking in a trench coat is something that perverts traditionally do when confronted by something which they have the horn for.

And now perverts have the perv for pervs caught mid-perving?

The internet.

Fucking hell.

A round of applause for the creativity of depravity ladies and gentlemen!



teenage mutant ninja turtles porn


There was none of this on my blog.

UNTIL NOW THAT IS!

nipple mistakes


When I was younger, a lad I knew had his nipple pierced.

He was running one day.

He tripped.

He now has half as many nipples and considerably less skin.

This the kind of thing you're looking for?


hey owlman fuck off 

Owlman was this cartoon strip which I done.

THIS.

And he really isn't the sort of chap who likes to be told to where he might be fuck.



And so to all of you search engine Sallys, I say this.

BEWARE!

And welcome!

Welcome to Recent Mistakes!

Giving you what you need, ever since you stopped wanting it! 

8 comments:

  1. I thought I was the only person who 'liked' someone's status updates on Facebook because I was crushing on them. Now I know others do it, too. But what if most of the people that 'like' my updates are female?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You 'like' your same sex friends without it meaning anything. It's the same as brushing hair/kissing/examining each other for lumps

      Delete
  2. And I thought my search results were bad. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Porn? I shouldn't be surprised really. Can you draw Shredder getting teabagged?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha, you'd have to have balls to slap your testicles against something called 'The Shredder.' Although not for very long

      Delete
  3. I assume if you were a trench coat wanker (please know the recent picture of me on my blog wearing a trench coat does not mean I AM one... really it doesn't, this is all a coincidence) would you not be worried about the whole stain in your coat situation... do you think there is some kind of trench coat wanking wank sock that maybe we could collaborate on and sell on your blog? That way the people wearing the trench coats and wanking in them (not me... seriously) would have something to deposit in? Maybe?

    Also I am thinking that maybe you could become the go to guy for creepy weird shit like an agony aunt kind of set up... that way the google-ers would be happy and we may all learn a little... and I like your drawings of sick shit.

    Love Elle xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually now have access to an extensive library on 'creepy/weird shit.' More on that in future posts! Ha ha

      A lot of trench coats are waterproof, so easily wipeable? Some sort of sock would be a good idea though. And they should have some special dye in, so they change colour after you use them, and realise not to put them on your foot

      Delete
  4. So I am now officially sure that everyone in my household thinks I have lost it... As I sit here laughing in my room, all alone. (God I sound like I have no life :/ lol) I must say that this was the highlight of my weekend (yes I realize it's Monday =P but still!) I needed a good laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hunched over my computer at 1:03 am pissing my pants laughing over breasts inflating and ninja turtles doing the nast. You, my sir, have lassoed my laughter!

    ReplyDelete